Addiction: The Story (Part 7)

To new readers and followers of my blog, it will become obvious that I hold nothing back when it comes to my life before and since recovery from addiction. I became aware many years ago that the power of truth and transparency would set me free from my damaging secrets and false ego. I believe that real recovery from sunstance-use as well as other addictions begins with a bold paradigm shift inside.

I have helped clients focus on discovering their real selves as well as their supressed feelings, desires, goals, and ambitions. Recovery and sobriety eluded me for many years, just as it did for hundreds of clients I have guided on the path to true freedom and release from worry and despair. The truth, in all it’s sometimes ugly reality, is that human beings have made mistakes in their life. Addiction to mood-altering substances became a multiplier of those mistakes for most of us. The most powerful step in real recovery is dependant on acceptance of our mistakes. An understanding that the stigma of embarrasing and guilt-ridden addiction behavior is a road block to freedom from the very illness that we wish to recover from. Things we’ve done in our mind-bending addiction episodes are not attributed to moral failings. These mistakes are simply symptoms of the brain disease of addiction. My message to all of you who wish to end your damanging relationship with drugs and alcohol is that you move toward self-forgiveness of your past so that you can enter a new season in life. My recovery began when I understood that I had to be willing to empty the heavy backpack of shame I carried before I could become the sane and sober person I was meant to be. This idea is the foundation of my Recovery Journey Addiction Freedom Course. There are some shocking details in my story “The Fall’, and I hope that you understand the necessity for my candor. My story takes me from a hopeless, sellfish, and even criminal-minded soul, to a committed professional on a mission to lead fellow sufferers to a new and wonderful reality. I hope that sharing my story provides evidence that even the worst of the past can lead to a life of caring, understanding, and a desire to love and help others. The following events are true, names were changed or omitted to protect the many innocent victims. Love, gratitude, peace and respect go out to the unnamed in this story including those who remained unrecognized and unknown to me. My efforts at healing and making amends to those identified began nearly 26 years ago and continues …    

“The Fall”

Part 7

December 9th, cash in hand, fuel tank filled,

I had three errands left. First to the Kmart for a family-sized ice chest and some snacks. Next to the discount liquor store to stock up on “road trip necessities”, and finally to the only dope dealer around that I didn’t owe an old debt. I intended to make my last drug purchase in that city a large one and with the paystub proof that I was gainfully employed, I was able to leave there well stocked by negotiating with half the payment up front and a promise to pay the rest next Friday. I had a company vehicle, a company issued Exxon gas card, around 8 quarts of vodka, 2 half gallons of bourbon, 6 cases of beer, an ounce and a half of cocaine, 2 pair of boxers, 3 pairs of jeans, a couple of shirts, a grocery bag of snacks, a US road atlas, and no destination.

I traveled north for most of the first day

And was somehow able to stay out of the coke bag, covering several hundred miles before stopping to refuel. Just as I finished my fill up at the pump, I realized that at some point I would be tracked with this Exxon card, I would have to ditch it now. I struck up a conversation with a guy at the pumps and made a deal with him that I would use my card to fill his tank for ½ the total in cash and that I would sell him the card for $50. He went for it and I hit the road again. By sundown I was at least 18 beers into my first case of Bud Dry and becoming concerned about my driving abilities. I found a rest area, pulled over and studied my road atlas. I had never been to Oklahoma City, my state of mind was half fear and half clinical anxiety at this point, and I thought for some reason that the land of Okie’s might be an unlikely place for the US Marshalls to start looking, so I pointed myself west on I-40 and had the idea that I should try to keep my vehicle wedged between semi-trucks as much as possible, keeping my tag number hidden.

I stopped at a rest area near Oklahoma City

To “catch some sleep and sober up a little”. That was the lie a told myself as I exited the freeway. My reality was that I had been obsessing over the coke for several hours and I just needed a little pick-me-up to continue the drive. Once I injected the first dose, a sense of intense and complete paranoia took over my mind and did not end for 3 days. I rushed back onto the freeway, checking rear view and side mirrors every few seconds and drinking vodka directly from the quart bottle. Each time the intensity of an injection would begin to wear off, I would “fix myself” again while driving with my knees, no stopping, had to keep going. I made a number of wrong turns, how could I not. I was at this point a complete slave to drugs and alcohol, a shell of a human with a skyrocketing heart rate and eyes so wide open in fear and paranoia that I couldn’t even blink. I stopped at several rest areas to give the imaginary Marshalls the “slip”. I cracked the seal on my 3rd or 4th quart of vodka by the time I realized I had missed Oklahoma City.

December 10th.

The sun was coming up when I glimpsed reality for a moment and read the big sign looming over the freeway; St. Louis 95 miles. I had been on I-44 for hours, concentrating all my efforts on keeping the vehicle in the right lane and fearing the next potential heart-bursting injection that I knew was coming and which I knew I could not stop myself from taking. I exited the ramp to gas up, drove by a dozen or more truck stops spotting “under cover” vehicles everywhere. In my mind they were closing in on me. I remember thinking I should eat something from the grocery bag and have a few swigs of bourbon, that would help me-please. Finally, with the red low fuel light on I mustered up the courage to pull in to fill my tank. I went into the men’s room to relieve myself and I think I stayed in there with the door locked for nearly an hour-shooting up. Eventually there was a knocking on the door, then beating and yelling for me to come out. “hey mister, are you all right in there?”. I garbled out a reply, cleaned some of the blood from the sink and mirror and burst out the door running to my vehicle. Surely, they had called 911, I would be captured soon.

I decided that the freeway was unsafe

After my debacle at the truck stop, so I found a county road a few miles away and traveled for hours, no direction, no plan, no consulting the atlas. Just drive, drink, inject again, and try to stay on the blacktop. Somehow, I remember a town called Chesterfield. It was the evening of the 10th; the sun was beginning to set. I saw a sign for St. Louis again and followed the arrows with that general destination in my wacked-out mind. I stopped for gas again and realized that I was down to under $20, I prepaid and pumped $19 into the tank. My mind was rolling out one drug-induced hallucination after another, somehow, I continued the drive without crashing. Late into that night I read a sign saying St. Louis City Limits. I was driving through a run-down industrial looking area of the city, there was a mist hanging over the entire city as far as I could see. Snowbanks under a few trees and piled against fences. I heard a ding-ding from the dashboard, low fuel light-oh no, please. I had just a handful of change left to my name, a half a quart of vodka, a few hot beers sloshing around in the big Kmart cooler and enough coke for maybe 2 more shots. There were still snacks in the grocery bag, but eating was not important. What will I do when the coke and booze is gone? That was a reality what I simply could not face.

I didn’t comprehend

That I was driving in square routes really, a mile in one direction, a right turn, a mile in that direction followed by another right or left turn. It was nearing midnight and I thought I recognized some familiar looking burned-out cars and garbage-filled alleys and lots. I had gone nowhere. Then the vehicle coughed, sputtered and died. I maneuvered its last bit of forward momentum to a dead stop in an empty lot. There were very few streetlights aglow, there was an eerie apocalyptic dread that spread through me. Here I am, nowhere, no one. I turned on the interior light, frantically searching for my dope, found what little was left, thought it might be enough. I hoped it was enough, enough for the only idea I had at that moment. It would be a single injection about 4-5 times stronger than I had ever done at once. It was the last of it, and I hoped it would be the last of me. I guzzled down the rest of the vodka, chased it with 2 hot beers and prepared for the final shot-the shot that would be the end of this maniacal odyssey, the end of working, thinking and planning every next turn designed to outsmart and outmaneuver the non-existent law enforcement posse’ behind and all around me. More of the “The Fall” coming soon. I will present more of what I know to be critical information for your consideration in the next blog. Stay tuned.

Be safe and care for one another.

Coach Chris

As a trained professional in the field of substance-use recovery, a practicing recovery coach, and more importantly, a person in successful recovery from addiction for over 26 years, I have some knowledge to share and lots of hope for anyone who’s ready for change.

The Recovery Journey to Addiction Freedom Online Course is Now Available as a Fully Digitized and Interactive Program Experience on All Mobile Devices and Computers.

Recovery Begins With Acceptance and A Commitment to Coach Chris’s 21 Day Self-Paced At-Home Course. This Amazing Course was Developed over Many Years with the Coach’s Experience as a Trained and Licensed Addiction Counselor and 3 Professional Coaching Certifications. This Solution-Focused Course Is Not Like Costly Rehabs or Treatment Centers, Does Not Require Group, In-Person, or Virtual Sessions. Includes Daily Coaching Videos, Medical Expert Video Interviews, Celebrity Recovery Video Interviews, Self-Searching Worksheets and Interventions, Relapse-Proof Guidelines, Early Recovery Craving Solutions, Safety-First Guidelines, Daily Relaxation and Wellness Video Productions, Goal and Intentions Worksheets, Art Therapy Modules, and many more Interventions in Perfect Order and Alignment for a Full and Sustainable Journey to Freedom from Addiction to All Mood-Altering Substances. CLICK THE LINK BELOW TO GET STARTED TODAY


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Asking for Medical Help

If you or someone you know exhibits withdrawal symptoms, psychological problems, or any signs of self-harming behavior, contact your medical professional, call 911, or reach out to SAMHSA’s National Helpline – 1-800-662-HELP (4357)


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